The Story of Faith
When I found out that we were expecting our second child, I was ecstatic! We had been trying for about 6 months, but when it actually happened, I was still surprised because we had just 'quit trying'. Funny how things work like that sometimes.
It was the end of November and I immediately started sharing our news with friends and family. Everyone was happy for us and I was excited to go into the Christmas season knowing that I had a precious little one growing in my belly.
About the second week of December, I went in for my initial OB appointment. After some questions etc., they decided to do an ultrasound in the office because of some cramping I was having, (I had it with my first pregnancy too, but everything was fine). I wasn't worried because I had been down that road with my first, and I knew it was just how my body responded to a growing uterus.
During the ultrasound, the tech started asking me questions about how far along I thought I was etc. I could tell by her questions and her face that she thought something wasn't right. She told me to get dressed and excused herself while she went to talk to a nurse. I knew it probably wasn't good news, so I tried to prepare myself. But when the nurse practitioner came in to tell me that I had miscarried and that there was no heartbeat, I couldn't help but start to cry. I was wishing that my husband was there with me, because I felt like he was the only one who would understand how happy I had been, and how much I was hurting.
Amazing how quickly a momma can attach to her baby.
They are a part of us, right from the beginning. Beautiful how God makes it that way.
Since I had not started bleeding, they scheduled a D&C for 2 days later to "clean me out". I hated that term. I still do. I went home sobbing, (fortunately, my Mother-in-law was able to keep Addy for me for the day), and didn't stop. My husband left work early to come and be with me. It was comforting, but nothing can ease the pain of the hope that is lost when you get that news.
At one point, a nurse from the OB office called and said that she had spoken to the doctor, (who had been out on delivery when I was there earlier), and that the doctor wanted to postpone the D&C for a week. Immediately, a burst of new hope opened in me. I asked if she thought there was a chance that the ultrasound was wrong, and that the baby was okay. She assured me that it was not, and that the reason the doctor wanted to wait was that she wanted to see if I would "pass the fetus" on my own. She thought that would be better, but if I didn't they would proceed with the D&C the next week.
I hung up feeling defeated. It was out of my control, and I hated that. I spoke with friends who had been down that road, (unfortunately, there were many), and they prayed with me, and encouraged me. They told me that God had a plan, and that while I couldn't see it at that moment, that He would be faithful. His love had never faded and this was no surprise for Him. In some ways that was hard to hear because I didn't understand how the God who loved me would let this happen when He knew I wanted it so much. But in another way, it was comforting because I knew that He could handle my pain, and my questions. I decided to trust Him with it, and let Him be my strength.
That next week was hard. Lots of doubt tried to cloud my resolve to trust The Lord. I read my Bible and prayed. A lot.
I prayed for strength.
I prayed for wisdom.
I prayed that God would give me opportunities to use my pain to help others.
I prayed that my faith wouldn't falter.
And the amazing thing is, my faith grew by leaps and bounds. God really showed up and helped me to remember that His love covers all, and it really does bring peace beyond understanding. I knew by the end of that week that no matter what happened in life, I would love Him. There really is NOTHING that can separate me from that love. What a gift that was.
Funny that the thing I never prayed for was that the ultrasound would be wrong, and that God would save my baby. I told myself that I didn't want to pray for that because I wanted to trust Him for His plan, not mine. But the truth was that I didn't want to get my hopes up. I didn't want to pray and wish for something that would crush me all over again.
Oh Ye of little faith...
I went to the appointment the next week accompanied by my husband. He was so loving and wonderful, and I felt so blessed to be with him. They told me that they would do a precautionary ultrasound just to make sure nothing looked different, and then they would do the procedure.
As I laid on the table, holding my husbands hand, I prayed silently and told God that I loved Him, and that His way was my way. No matter what.
That's when the tech started talking out loud and I realized she was measuring something. I looked at my husband and smiled, afraid to ask her what she was doing. Finally, I busted out, "Do you see a heartbeat?".
And of course, she smiled and said, "Yep. I sure do!".
It was truly amazing! I cried out thanks to God right there on the table, (I think the tech thought I was a little crazy. But I didn't care! :)
After, when I met with the OB, she said that it was a true miracle. She told me that after my initial ultrasound, when she had been away, she came back to the office and viewed it herself just to make sure they hadn't been wrong. She said that there was no heartbeat, no baby. She had even considered that I might have had a blighted ovum. But that there was no living baby in my uterus for sure.
I knew the truth. That while I felt like I couldn't pray for God to save my baby, that he had heard the prayer of my heart.
Now let me stop right here and say that I know that there are millions of women, (some in my own family) who have lived this reality, and the outcome was not the same for them. Their babies did not continue to grow in their momma's belly, and they have gone to heaven. I have never stopped praying for those women and the hurt that they must experience. Honestly, I do not know why God chose to let my little baby live, but I am thankful He did.
I would love to say that the pregnancy continued without incident, but that is not the case. Some day, I may share more details, but for now, let me just say some of the highlights were chronic UTI's and kidney problems, heart issues (for me), low amniotic fluid, and telling me that she probably had club foot, and possibly no feet, (they could never find them on ultrasound). Yep...fun times. BUT, I was secure in that God had saved this baby girl for a reason, and that no matter what, He would take care of us. And that is how she got her name.
One night, as I was praying about all that was going on, God just told me to stop worrying and have Faith. And it was clear as day to me, her name would be Faith.
And on the morning of July 10th, 2006, our precious Faith Abigail made her arrival! All the time, as I watch this perfectly healthy, wonderful, happy child, (BTW-feet were fine! She had some hip dysplasia when she was born, but no big deal and it's totally fine now!), I am reminded that God is good, and that I just need to have faith!
And I cannot believe that little baby girl is celebrating her 5th birthday today. I am so happy for her and the fun little lady she is growing into, and yet, I wish I could bottle time so that I could keep her my little monkey forever.
Happy Birthday Sweet Girl!!!! Momma Loves you like CRAZY!
