Confessions Of An Angry Momma, Part 3

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Here is my own, personal, Angry Mom story:

I wanted children more than anything. I truly believed that my life wouldn't be complete until I had therm.

I prayed for them, and when I had them, I was over the moon in love with them.

And don't get me wrong, I still am.

But let me be honest and say that there was so much I didn't plan for or expect.

Like no sleep, (those who know me, know I don't fare well with little sleep), constant complaining and whining, kids that bite and scream, and the constant feeling that you aren't doing a good enough job.

Those are just a few of the million things that I hadn't considered.

And before I knew it, I was pretty much angry all the time.  Oh sure, I loved my kids like crazy, and not all days were bad.  But there was this underlying rage that was just under the surface and at a moment's notice, it would show up.

It came in the form of yelling, of nagging, of being short tempered, and sometimes being just plain ugly to my kids and husband.

But did anyone else know?  Not really.

Because of course I could never admit that this was anger. 

No, I gave it socially acceptable names like, "my kid's are having a rough day", and "we are working on discipline", and "I'm PMSing.".

Never would I have said, "I'm angry and I don't know why and I can't stop."

That would have meant that I was a bad person...a bad mom.

Not true.  But I didn't know it at the time.  All I could do was be angry, and then feel guilty that I was so angry.

But then something happened.

There was a little boy that was dealing with some serious health issues.  We knew of him because my husband worked with his parents.  I followed his story, and prayed for him to get better.  But he didn't.

And about 2 years ago, that little boy passed away.

I didn't even know the boy, or his family, personally, but I was broken for them.  I cried as I thought of what they were going through and for how that mother's heart must be breaking.  And I could literally feel an ache inside of me when I wondered how they would go on.

And one day, soon after he passed, as I was getting ready to explode on one of my children, I just thought of that momma.

What would she give to have her son back for just one more day?  Even if he was being cranky and disobedient.  Even if he spent his entire day whining and crying and never letting her have a second to herself.  What would she give?

Probably everything.

And in that moment, I knew I had to change.  I knew that I never wanted to regret a single second with these precious gifts.  I knew that I had been allowing anger to rule me and that it had to stop.  I knew it was all on me.

So I looked for answers.  I looked inside my heart, I prayed, and I read.  I spoke with friends, and shared my anger, and I got wise council.

And here's what I discovered:

First, I discovered that my kids don't make me complete.

Shocking, I know!

But seriously, our kids can't complete us.  They can't be the definition of who we are.  Remember when I said above that I felt like my life would be incomplete if I didn't have kids?  I believed that, but it wasn't true.

Am I glad I have children?  More than I could ever say!  But could I have had a "complete" life without them?  Yes!  It isn't our child's job to "complete" us.  And it's not your spouse's either.  I believe that the only person that can complete us is God, and if you are looking for it anywhere else, you'll just continue to find disappointment.

The second thing I learned is that I'm not perfect, and I don't have to pretend to be!

I think that is why so many moms are afraid to admit that they have anger issues, (or any other issues for that matter), because they are terrified that someone will think we aren't #1 Mom like our coffee mug says. 

Newsflash: No one is #1 Mom.  It's a lie!

Here's a little secret:

If you come to my house unannounced, you will find dirty dishes in the sink, a filthy bathroom, clothes piled high in the dirty laundry basket, and complete disorganization.  My kids are probably screaming, homework is late, and dinner may be from Taco Bell that night.

I'm not perfect.  And I'm okay with that. 

And Life isn't perfect either!!  All the times, I hear moms who say things like, "Today was SUCH a bad day", but instead of stopping there, they feel like they have to qualify it with a , "But I know it's just the stage of life we're in", or "But I really am thankful to be a stay-at-home mom.". 

QUIT QUALIFYING!!!

Sometimes life really does just suck.  And it's okay to say that, and leave it at that.  If someone else judges you, then that's their issue, not yours!

And the final Thing I learned is that guilt never helped anyone! 

If I am feeling guilty about my behavior, that is only furthering the problem.  But if I feel convicted about my problem, then that will lead to change!  If you mess up, don't spend your time feeling guilty.  Recognize the problem, and then come up with a plan to change it.

If you are struggling with being an Angry Momma, I encourage you to reach out.  You can share your story here with us.  You can talk to a friend.  You can go to a counselor.  Whatever you choose to do, I hope that you truly commit to getting help as you work through it.

And of course, if your anger has ever gotten physical, I plead with you to tell someone who can help you and hold you accountable.  Your child deserves better and while you may be afraid of the consequences, if you love your child, as I'm sure you do, then you know its the right thing to do.

Here are some resources that may help you as you begin your journey of dealing with Anger:

 A.N.G.E.R. Workout
5 Ways Parents Can Handle Their Anger
When Moms Get Angry
I'm becoming an Angry Mother...Can I Change?
Emotions Anonymous