Confession Time: My Truth

Okay, so first, I must tell you that this post is going to be LOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGG.

So if you don't read all the way through, I understand.

BUT, if you really want to know my truth, then stay tuned for the whole thing.  Because I am REALLY honest in this post.

Like, scary honest.

Here goes:

Almost a month ago, I told you that my dad had passed away.

But at the time, I wasn't ready to talk about the details.

But to tell you the truth about me, I have to tell you the truth about what happened.

First, I want to say that I LOVE my dad, and always will.  I'm not telling you any of this to make him sound bad or to take away from any of his goodness (because there was a lot of that).

But I want to be honest.

My dad was an alcoholic for as long as I can remember.

A very high functioning alcoholic, but an alcoholic nonetheless.

And it was something we all knew, but never talked about (with him).

Oh sure, a few times someone would challenge him on if he was drinking too much, but that never ended well.

And we never had any kind of intervention.

{One of my BIGGEST regrets in life!}

So, to make a long story less long, my dad went into the hospital on a Tuesday afternoon and died exactly one week later.

His liver and kidney's just completely shut down.  All because of the alcohol.

He had literally drank himself to death.

On that first night in the hospital, I cried with him as he explained that the doctors told him that he probably wouldn't make it.

And I asked him if all of the drinking had been worth it.

Was it worth ending up like this?

Was it worth all that he had missed out on in life with his kids and grandkids?

His answer was No.

Then why had he done it, I asked?

His reply: "Because I was addicted."

I had NEVER heard my dad admit that he had an addiction to alcohol.  Never.

And it struck me in that moment that he didn't just realize that day that he was addicted.

That was something he must have known for a long time, but been unwilling to admit.

And I couldn't help but think of how different life could have been if he had admitted that sooner.

As I drove home that night, something was nagging at me.  But I pushed it away, because I had too much to deal with at that point.

But as the week went on, and as he declined, the nagging kept coming.  And I kept pushing it away.

Finally, after my dad's death, I couldn't ignore it anymore.

I was an addict, too.

Not to alcohol, or to drugs, but to food.

I was using food in the same way that my dad had used alcohol all those years.

To celebrate, to cope, to entertain...essentially to make me happy.

But that isn't the job of food.

Food is for nourishment, and I had been abusing it to the point that it was now having the opposite effect on me.

And I knew that I was headed down a dangerous and somewhat similar path as my dad.

My addiction was keeping me from fully enjoying my family the same way his kept him from doing that.

And no one would call me on my addiction because they loved me and didn't want to hurt me or embarrass me, the same way that we did for him.

And if I kept going the way I was going, at some point I was going to end up in the hospital with the doctors saying that I had ruined my own body and that the damage was irreversible; the same thing that happened to him.

I didn't want that for my family.

I don't want my girls to EVER feel like I chose food over them.

I knew I needed to make a change, but it was overwhelming.  Where did I start?

Well, I started by praying.

I knew God was giving me this wake up call.  This second chance.

I knew He would direct me in the right way.

Then I admitted my addiction to my husband.  And to close friends.  And I asked them to pray for me and to hold me accountable.

And I sought out a plan to help me get on the right track, and I didn't hesitate in signing up.

And I continue to pray for God to transform my mind so that I will view food differently.

And finally, I am coming clean on this blog.

Because I know that some of you will pray for me in this journey.

And because it's another form of accountability.

And because there may be others out there who are silently struggling with the same thing.

Maybe food isn't your addiction, maybe it's something else.  Maybe it's drugs or alcohol.  Maybe it's sex or pornography.  Maybe it's gambling or shopping.  Or maybe it's an eating disorder.

Whatever it is, if that's you, please know that you are NOT alone!

Shame, denial, and pride are what kept my dad silent about his addiction for so long.

Don't let that happen for you.


So there it is.

My truth.  My confession.  My addiction.

I really do hope that you'll pray for me as I walk through this.  And also, that you'll hold me accountable.

And periodically, I'll post an update.

And hopefully, somewhere down the road, I'll be able to tell you that I have conquered my addiction!