Time for Transparency

So for the last two weeks, I have been doing the Mix it Up Monday posts, in which I post a picture of myself in a new(ish) outfit I am trying out.  I have gotten a lot of good feedback, (and I'm thankful for it!), so I will keep doing it.  But let me tell you, it has been sort of terrifying.

First let me say, I am not at all comfortable with my body.  You see, I have struggled with my weight for my entire life.  There isn't a time I can look back to and say, "oh, that's when I gained all my weight".  No, for me, I have always been overweight.

And while I have always strived to never let that hold me back, it kind of always has.

Because I can't help but think of the things I would do if I weren't so insecure about it.  And because the weight itself limits you in so much of life.

But I try to never let people see that.

I am outgoing.  I am fun.  I am confident.  I am strong.  I am a leader.  I am wise.  I am brave.  These are the things I want people to see.  This is what I want people to think of me. 

But in truth, I am scared.  I am frustrated.  I am overwhelmed.  I am constantly wondering what people think of me.  I am a people pleaser.  I am tired.  And I feel like a failure.

And I want to change.  Really, I do.  But every time I start to do well, I quit.  I don't know why, I just do.  And that makes me feel even worse.

So you can see that putting pictures of myself on the internet every week is kind of like my worst nightmare.  Because when I look at those pictures, I don't like what I see.  I want to look like all the other beautiful women I see.  But the deep, scared, insecure part of me feels like that will never happen.

And if that isn't going to happen, then I want to just like the me I see in the mirror.  But I don't know how to do that when I have never liked what I have seen in the mirror.  That body I see doesn't match with the person I want to be. 

Which is part of why I am actually doing these posts.  I want to learn to be able to look at myself, and like the girl in the mirror.  I want to try and love my body just as it is, all while trying to change it into the body I want it to be.  I want to put on pretty clothes, and take a picture and say, "I like the way I look.". 

I want to be honest with myself and happy with myself all at the same time.  I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way. 

Thanks for taking the ride with me.