May 27, 2011

Time for Transparency

So for the last two weeks, I have been doing the Mix it Up Monday posts, in which I post a picture of myself in a new(ish) outfit I am trying out.  I have gotten a lot of good feedback, (and I'm thankful for it!), so I will keep doing it.  But let me tell you, it has been sort of terrifying.

First let me say, I am not at all comfortable with my body.  You see, I have struggled with my weight for my entire life.  There isn't a time I can look back to and say, "oh, that's when I gained all my weight".  No, for me, I have always been overweight.

And while I have always strived to never let that hold me back, it kind of always has.

Because I can't help but think of the things I would do if I weren't so insecure about it.  And because the weight itself limits you in so much of life.

But I try to never let people see that.

I am outgoing.  I am fun.  I am confident.  I am strong.  I am a leader.  I am wise.  I am brave.  These are the things I want people to see.  This is what I want people to think of me. 

But in truth, I am scared.  I am frustrated.  I am overwhelmed.  I am constantly wondering what people think of me.  I am a people pleaser.  I am tired.  And I feel like a failure.

And I want to change.  Really, I do.  But every time I start to do well, I quit.  I don't know why, I just do.  And that makes me feel even worse.

So you can see that putting pictures of myself on the internet every week is kind of like my worst nightmare.  Because when I look at those pictures, I don't like what I see.  I want to look like all the other beautiful women I see.  But the deep, scared, insecure part of me feels like that will never happen.

And if that isn't going to happen, then I want to just like the me I see in the mirror.  But I don't know how to do that when I have never liked what I have seen in the mirror.  That body I see doesn't match with the person I want to be. 

Which is part of why I am actually doing these posts.  I want to learn to be able to look at myself, and like the girl in the mirror.  I want to try and love my body just as it is, all while trying to change it into the body I want it to be.  I want to put on pretty clothes, and take a picture and say, "I like the way I look.". 

I want to be honest with myself and happy with myself all at the same time.  I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way. 

Thanks for taking the ride with me.


  1. Oh girl, you are a beauty on the inside AND outside!

    It is so hard to stay focused on true beauty because we live in a world that is so obsessed with body image, fashion, and looks - when really, none of that matters as much as the state of our hearts (something I have to remind myself of ALL the time). You were made in His image, and that in itself is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

    God made you just the way He wanted you, are fearfully and wonderfully made!

    Hope you all have a great looonnng weekend :)!

  2. you are too cool! thanks for writing this, it really hit a note with me. i felt like this a lot after having my baby. you're amazing! keep going lady:)

  3. Ricki, that took a lot of courage to write so have a beautiful heart! And truly, on the outside too, you are a beautiful girl! Unfortunately, in our culture our view of "beauty" is so skewed as women. We are bombarded by so many outside influences to look a certain way....even in Christian circles. Of course the Lord values us not abusing our bodies, but I think He also would tell us how very beautiful we matter our body shape.

    Thanks again for sharing your heart and your struggle with this...we all have our struggles....might be different for everyone....but the blessing is being able to pray for and encourage one another in them.

    In a Beth Moore Study I did last year with my bible study, one of the main verses was Proverbs 31:25....'she is clothed in strength and dignity...' What a powerful truth! That in Christ, we are clothed every day with strength and dignity no matter what we feel!

  4. I am right there with ya sista! It wasn't until I kept seeing picture of me that people would take and post on fb (I would untag) that I realized that I could either admit that was the way it was or do something about it! has really helped me and I have developed a whole new way of life when it comes to eating. p.s. you are a beautiful person and when I see the pics of you on your blog that is the first thing that I think of! See you soon! xxx

  5. Thanks to all of you ladies for the encouraging don't know how much they truly mean to me.


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